It is Finished...

4703.8 miles

It was real great seeing everyone, hopefully next time there will be more time.

A quick thanks to everyone that provided shelter and good times on the way back.

Also thanks to the Green Hornet for being a good pusher car, you can be my wingwoman any day.

At the In-laws

4.5 hours into a 34 hour trip. Starting tomorrow at the ass-crack of dawn(5am) we are hopping on the slow road home. We are driving to Mt. Vernon, IL tomorrow, about 15 hrs, and crashing there. That leaves around 15 hours until B-town. The GPS worked well today, it took the first 15 minutes to get it working the way I want it to, but now its perfect. Again, one of the best purchases I have made. The Satellite radio(XM)also worked flawlessly. We didn't drop a signal all day. The bad part about it is that it is just like cable tv, 200 channels and only 10 are worth listening to. Its still better than commercials though. The wild dog was good today, she's packed up in the back of the blazer and has a nice hideout, we'll see how tomorrow goes. The longest trip she has ever been on is 12 hrs straight though, and that was only a one day trip, 30 hrs in 2 days will be interesting. This will be the last post for a couple days(par for the course) I will try to post once we reach gods country.

Chrimmus Facts

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out the *uckin flying reindeer which only Santa seems to have ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion stinkin assed kids (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist bed-wetter’s, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.

This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. “The boat, not the old chick”.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

This guy is my new hero

Merry Chrimmus

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

Almost done chrimmus shopping

In fact I might be able to finish up today during lunch. That will be a good feeling. I finally got some good ideas from the wife, because I was forced against my will to go shopping with her yesterday. I think I am going to get her a new shotgun, a 52 " plasma tv, some video games and a ps3. I believe in my heart these are what she truly wants. Nope just kidding I ain't getting her crap for chrimmus, being married to me is a present she gets every day, you just can't put a monetary value on that. Yesterday I started getting the blazer ready for the big trip up north. Got the oil changed, got it washed inside and out,(a fresh coat of wax will make it go faster as well as get better gas mileage.) I installed the satelite radio(one more thing to do with that that I will finish up tonight) and I mounted my gps. I was going to get the 4WD fixed before we left, since i got fucking stuck hunting again on saturday, but I won't have time. Oh well, I will have the dog and wife with, if we get stuck the dog can pull and the wife can push. All in all it was a nice relaxing weekend. This week will be hectic, but it will be worth it, soon I will be giving and getting presents, seeing family on both sides of the wedding ring, and seeing good friends that I haven't seen in quite a while. Getting excited, yep.

Weekend Recap

Saturday night we had my wifes chrimmus party for work. We were both kind of dreading it because it was too be held at Wannado city, which is a place for parents to drop off their kids for hours at the mall and the kids hang out and get to be different positions in the city(fire fighters, police officers, grocery store workers, hookers, and drug dealers). Well, it turned out to be very cool, it was very large inside and they estimated 1200 people attended. There was plenty of food and alcohol to go around and lots to do. That Kaplan University can really throw a hell of a party. Sunday was a lazy day, slept in until 10 , mailed a package for my ma's birthday, watched football at the bar, came home and played video games for the rest of the night. A very relaxing day. After work today the wife had a brilliant idea to go chrimmus shopping. I really enjoy giving chrimmus presents, and especially recieving them, but the purchasing of them is a real pain in the balls. I hate it. I usually wait until the last possible moment, by then I know exactly what I have to do to get in and out in under a minute. Tonight was not one of those times. I really wanted to whip out my gat and pop a mutha fucka tonight, and it wasn't even as bad as it has been in the past. Oh well, bah fuckin humbug until my shopping is done, thats all I have to say about that.

Word up to the dawg S-to-the-cooter. Sometimes you gots ta slap a bitch at the dog park, next time wait till you have backup. The scar will look very cool though, and Annie will be hot for you.

Saturday ABC- less than 20
Sunday ABC- 6 beers
Monday ABC- 1 beer, 2 gin/tonics.

Last nights party....

was a great time. Good food, good drinks, good friends and good presents. We left the party at midnight because I was planning on going hunting in the morning. Well, 5:30 rolled around and sure enough, I was still drunk. However, when you say you are going to do something you do it, drunk or not. So I stumbled out of bed got my shit together, made some strong ass coffee, and tried to keep from hurling. Juan cinco showed up right on time(he was also still drunk) and we took off. I have never been on such a long 1 hr car ride, especially with a smart ass that decides to buy funyuns and wave them in my face the whole ride(they were delicious after my stomach settled though). We didn't see any wildlife until about a half hour before we needed to leave, Juan got 1 bird, and we both missed a fair bit of other birds. Oh well. On a side note, my new GPS worked flawlessly and was completely awesome to have. I haven't been so impressed with something since I discovered alcohol. Now I have to go to another wild holiday party for the wifes work, but I don't have to go hunting tomorrow so that is good. I will leave you with a shot of one of the most awesome gifts I have ever recieved....


Friday ABC: More than 1 and less than 20

Wild Weekend T minus 10 hrs.

The holiday season is kicking. Tonight chrimmus party #1, tomorrow night chrimmus party number 2. Maybe hunting mixed in there somewhere...hunting for ladies phone numbers that is. After the last 2 weeks of work I am pretty much ready for some debauchery. About three times every year I am ready to quit my job and go work at a gas station. This is definitely one of those times. I will be over it in about a week or so, but right now it is blowin like a hooker needing a crack fix. On to happier news, I bought a GPS as a chrimmus present to myself, and it is pretty damn cool. I have always wanted one for multiple reasons: hunting, taking the yacht out on the lake, and for directions. Since we are driving home for chrimmus I figured this was the perfect excuse to get one. I really hate driving somewhere I am not familiar with, and having to rely on maps, or mapquest, having the wife tell me where to go....I think it sucks. This unit solves all of my problems. You put in where you are, where you want to go, and it calculates your route on a turn by turn basis, it tells you when you need to turn, and how much farther to the next turn. It even recalculates your route if you stop for gas, or take the wrong exit. Now, maybe I will take the wife on more trips because I will actually feel comfortable going somewhere and not worry about getting lost, or maybe I will leave her home and head out on my own for wild adventures.

Thursday ABC: 5 3 beers, 2 Gin/tonics.

New Start

If you are reading this than you are truly among esteemed company. As you may have noticed I haven't blogged in about 2 weeks. There is a reason besides outright laziness. Somehow my parents found my blog and were reading it a little tooo RELIGIOUSLY. Now they think that I am a drunk and I have to hear about it every time I talk to them. They have enough to worry about without worrying whether or not their son is going to need a new liver or not. So there you go. I will be more diligent in my blogging. Once again please do not under any circumstance reveal the true loacation of this blog, especially to the sneaky fucking russians, al queda, saddam, aliens, and stacy.

ABC since the last time I blogged: 1 million